First up – apologies to those who got spammed on Twitter by me last week.
Secondly – man up. It was for three days, you wimps.
So… Social Media Week London. What the hell is that all about? Basically it’s a place for people to tootle around London boasting about ROIs, yell at people about engagement, whap out (and wave around) their e-penis and decide which new buzzword will be the most important for that week. It’s, erm… an interesting event. Does that sound believable? Yeah…? Sweet.
After the first few sessions, I found myself in a state of dismay and delirium. I did what anyone in my position would do: I got myself comfy, pulled out the iPad and decided to live Tweet the panel sessions.
It went a little something like this…
Hey #SMWLDN. You appear to have made your passes the size of a thigh. pic.twitter.com/yRvXZmSKEW
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I'd like to start buzzword bingo. The words: engagement, ROI, viral, earned media & KPI. When it's said, you throw a potato at them #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Engagement has been said 3 times so far. Viral only once. Lost my potatoes #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
HE SAID ENGAGEMENT AGAIN. LOB THE POTATOES #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Adverts will be on Instagram within the next year. Prepare to have your feed spammed with pictures of cats by 'super funny' brands #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I enjoy the lack of power this woman has. And how little knowledge she has about what's going on. Pppaahhlease take your seatttt #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
According to this man, I am just some eyes, ears and a heart. I beg to differ. I have hands too #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Awkward girl is back. So is the smell of chicken. I'm connecting the two #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
This guy looks like Jimmy Carr's dishevelled brother. Laugh for me Jimbo imposter #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
So if Asda don't get 100 likes within 5 mins, they delete the post. I also imagine they have hissy fits and tantrums about it too #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I'd like to hunt down @Corporate_Brand and glare at buzzword morons. Teamwork, innit? #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I'm at the wrong event. There's a man climbing on the table. Help me #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Now we're in the 80s. Can only presume this man has lost his shit. Plus he spells his name Mat. Where's your other t, Mat? #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I swear Mat with one t has just made eye contact with me. Think he's added me to his hit list #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Daily Mail social chick seems far too happy to be working for them. Only logical solution is she's hit the jägerbombs already #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Kudos to the Daily Mail chick. She actually replied.
@Censored_Pixel @samhilary lol sadly just on jet lag + too much coffee
— Taylor Lorenz (@TaylorLorenz) September 23, 2013
Smiley Daily Mail chick is not a fan of Mat with one t #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Smiley Daily Mail chick is a fan of Ben the yoof #megaswoon #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Man in the corner of the room is now striping. Pop on some sexy music and things might just get interesting #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Not sure if I should alert the lady in front of me that her hair looks like it's on fire… #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
WORDS! RT @mirvio: LISTEN. INTERPRET. ENGAGE. FEEDBACK. LEARN. #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I fully expected to look like this after being freshly pimped http://t.co/joJJERy8Ls I do not. Who do I complain to? #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Simon looks suspiciously like a girl. And Mat with one t has disappeared. I miss Mat #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Found Simon. Don't panic. He favours a cardigan and a jaunty smile #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
I think I've just been filmed. Totes gunna be social media famous now #engagement #roi #smwldn #imadick
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Someone's pointing at me. Oh, god. I've been discovered. I bet this was all Mat with one t's doing #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Just looked round dramatically to see if the girl next to me would copy. She did. Now that's some engagement right there #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
There's a small group of people gathering behind me. Either they're about to #engage with me or Mat with one t is seeking vengeance #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Lingering outside the #smwldn opening party hingy like an actual creep. Should add this skill to LinkedIn.
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
My klout score is not high enough to be here #smwldn #smwvipup
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
One less socially awkward person at that party. I'm done. Good night. #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 23, 2013
Day 2 of #smwldn: still alive. Still no sign of Mat with one t. Twitter sales person is oozing charm. Keeps making boob gestures though #lad
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Social media war rooms you say? Man the battleships! Shove torpedoes in things! Bring me some wenches #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I've positioned myself next to what looks like freebies. Will I get any? Find out in one hour. #smwldn #gimmiefreestuff
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Hootsuite have promised me 'fun'. Unsure if I'm ready for this. If it requires me to remove clothing, I'm out #smwldn #smwhootsuite
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Is it inappropriate to crack open a Babybell? I won't share it but I will let you have a sniff #smwldn #smwhootsuite
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Can only presume it's 'hold your hand awkwardly like you're grabbing a boob' day #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I've no idea what specs man is saying so I can only imagine he's casting spells on us in some wizard language #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Now partaking in a stare off with the panel. My eyes are ready for you Spec man #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Yesterday it was film. Now people keep taking my photo. If I'm not internet famous by the weekend, I'ma be pissed #smwldn #allupinmygrill
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I'm ready to engage my brand army. Engage with the engagement! You might fall out of favour with the engaged #smwldn #engaged #bums
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
The Naked Wines grape man is neither naked nor drinking wine. I've been deceived #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Dude on the panel is clearly trying to mimic Angelina Jolie's leg. Probably a child behind that screen too #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
£100k of free wine you say? Well I could give away hugs and high fives which would be greatly improved by being hammered #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Non naked deceiving man is still fully clothed and wineless. Smiley suit man is having having problems with his eyebrows #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Did you just say 24 BY 7?! Are you selling timber now? Or do you just had a thing for wood? #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Angelina Jolie leg man and smiley suit man are having big lols. Non naked man is feeling left out. I bet he's thinking about cats #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Non naked man is staring longingly at his glass of water. Now if he was Jesus, he could have turned that into wine #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I'm so engaged right now I'm practically married #smwldn #engaged
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Chick next to me is swooshing her pen over the paper. Don't worry, doll. I won't tell your mum that you aren't really taking notes #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I just want to sit in the swooshy @nokia_uk booth thing and take selfies on all the phones with Mat with one t #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Lady with silky hair got very excited about luxury sex toys. I know what she's doing later #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
I do believe they're trying to say that r2-d2 and c3po are in a sexual relationship. I'm calling shenanigans #smwldn #bros
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Presentations and iPhones are a substitute for sex. Well…um there's a lot of turned on iPhone users in this presentation right now #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Boom chikka wa waaaaa #smwldn #gettingjiggywithiphones
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Panel chap is having a causal snooze on the stage #smwldn #lad
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Ah, don't worry. He's awake. Apparently waving a mic around his head is his on switch. Must be a robot #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Oh god. The Demon Headmaster is here. He's going to lose his shit any moment now #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Robot man is now clenching his fist whilst he glares intently at the Demon Headmaster. Fisty cuffs ahoy! #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Robot man is now next to me. If he starts saying exterminate, I'm running up some stairs and screaming #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 24, 2013
Day 3 of #smwldn: brain cells numb. Lost the ability to function in the real world. All engagement dead. Rocking back and forth in a corner
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Also, is the mayor of London aware that the circle line is not actually a circle? WHEN WILL THE LIES STOP?! #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Ah, nothing quite like burying complaints. That'll make them go away. I CAN'T SEE IT THEREFORE IT DOES NOT EXIST. LA LA LAAAAA #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Side-part man keeps looking rosy cheek man with discontent. Like the popular kid in school who doesn't like others getting attention #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Oh god. Wildfire are here. My evil nemesis. If I get phone calls from you guys, I will invoice you for my time #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
People in this room sleep with their smart phone. These people should have been here yesterday when we spoke about luxury sex toys #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
For the love of my Babybells, Puma is not pronounced Pooma. It is not an excrement covered mother #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
I'm going to stare at the Buzzfeed man until he mentions something about cats or the top 29 ways to walk on clouds #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
1 minute in and there's a cat. Bravo, Buzzfeed man. Bravo. #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Man in green does not blink. He's now staring intently at Buzzfeed man. He's either super attracted to him or he stole his Babybel #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Blinkproof man has moved his gaze to expressive hand man. Can only presume he's starting his mind control takeover #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Oh, crap. He just looked at me. I require a tin foil hat pronto. GET OUT OF MY HEAD BLINKPROOF MAN #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
I think blinkproof man has disabled expressive hand man. Should I be worried? Will things ever be the same again?! #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Blinkproof man plays GTA. Is this why he doesn't blink? Will this game destroy my eyes? Is Rockstar to blame for everything?! #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Blinkproof man tells us to write good content. Expressive hand man furiously writes down notes. Definitely mind control #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
I think expressive hand man has been broken. Now staring into space. Get out of there, buzzfeed man! Save yourself #smwldn #smwbfinlondon
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Decided to sit right at the front so I can soak up all the engagement #engaged #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
There's a man I've seen on the telly in front of me. He has a hat on which means he's cool #smwldn #changefilm
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
It's the bloody guy from Star Trek and Dr. Who. You can keep that hat. You deserve it #smwldn #changefilm
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Man at the end really had a thing for his socks. Up down, up down. Wiggle. And there's another non blinker. Argh #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Man with thing for socks now has a thing for the table cloth. Touch it. Touch it real good #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Man stares intently at a pen. Engagement level: 87% #smwldn #changefilm
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Content is key. Keys open doors. Doors lead to basements. Basements are where people get murdered. Content murders people #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
RT @stuartwitts: Social Media Guru is an anagram of 'A Ridiculous Game' #SMWLDN
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
(Don't worry #smwldn. You've only got another couple of hours of me and then I'm buggering off home)
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Why are we talking about dentists? I need to engage with dentists. Hello mr dentist. ENGAGE WITH ME YOU BAWSACK #smwldn
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Breaking news: man hugs chair whilst part of a panel. Might be lonely. Needs friends. Apply within #smwldn #smwfunny
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Lonely man has now lost interest in the chair. Reckon he wants to touch beardy man's beard instead #smwldn #smwfunny
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Just touch his beard, lonely man. The pain in your eyes is killing me #smwldn #smwfunny
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Lonely man now has a microphone to cuddle. All is well for now #smwldn @smwfunny
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Social media war rooms are back. Still don't have my wenches. Would like to request cannons & a submarine whilst I'm at it #smwldn #smwfunny
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
Adios #smwldn. Am I allowed back next year?
— Jen Rankine (@Censored_Pixel) September 25, 2013
And then people started commenting on what I was doing. Which was super nice.
@Censored_Pixel I have decided you should be the official unofficial #SMWLDN spokes person.
— Sam Hilary (@samhilary) September 23, 2013
@censored_pixel I think I'm going to have to storify your #smwldn tweets just for sheer hilarity purposes!
— Matthew Marley (@matthewmarley) September 23, 2013
Can somebody please give @Censored_Pixel an award for her coverage of #smwldn? kthxbye. #smw
— Ben Donkor (@FR314) September 23, 2013
#followtuesday @Censored_Pixel's #SMWLDN tweets are probably due an award
— Jon Brady (@jonfaec) September 24, 2013
@Censored_Pixel loving your #SMWLDN adventure. If I could, I'd jump on the next Ryanair to get there. The flight would almost be as fun!
— Conrad Rossouw (@conradr) September 24, 2013
Actually loving @Censored_Pixel's tweets about #SMWLDN … I don't get most of them, but it's nice to feeli in the loop.
— Crozzay (@NickGCross) September 24, 2013
Somebody please remind me not to drink tea while reading @Censored_Pixel tweets. kthxbye. #smwldn #smw
— Ben Donkor (@FR314) September 24, 2013
@Censored_Pixel Cool. Good work on the #SMWLDN chatter, btw. I've missed a lot, but your tweets have amused. Keep it up.
— James Whatley (@Whatleydude) September 25, 2013
Some say I was in Jen the Bastard mode. I tend to agree with those folk. But sometimes you’ve just gotta be a dick. I’ll be back for you next year, Social Media Week.
