*A wild blog post appears*
Been a while, eh? I’ve been busy… Or lazy. One of those options is correct, but I can’t decide which.
So aye, I went to America nearly a month ago and I’ve decided now is the prime time to talk about it. First thing’s first – why did we go to America in March? Quite simply we went for PAX East and a wee jaunt to New York and a dordal to get some proper grub. Here’s how it went down.
It was horrifically early and I don’t do mornings, but send me on an adventure and I’ll be awake at any time you want me to be. I may look a tad demented and that just adds to the charm.
FLIGHT TIME! We got plonked onto the fanciest (and newest apaz) plane I’ve even been on. USB ports to charge errryythang, chat systems so you could pester people in other seats, films/programs coming out of your arse, windows that tinted (you could pretend you were under the sea and sing the Little Mermaid), the tastiest plane food EVER (including snacks) and a lack of a third person stealing all of our space. Oh, and did I mention frickin’ WIFI? I could pester people whilst floating in the sky – Mind. Blown.
Like magic (or 8 hours of pretending to be a very large bird in the sky) we landed in New York. And then we noticed all the snow. Yep, it was like Great Lord Snowington had barfed his guts all over the place and we were left to compete with it. After hopping in a cab which had such fabulous reading material such as ‘Bladder Matters’, we hung on for dear life as he skids along the streets narrowly avoiding the aptly named crash barriers and yelling “we don’t actually know where we’re going, please stop asking us”, we finally arrived at our hotel with our sanity only marginally reduced. We then discovered the building opposite our room looked like it was smiling, found the TV remote and fell asleep in crumpled piles.
It’s pretty big, eh? If you didn’t ‘that’s what she said’, then I’m super disappointed in you. We walked. And we walked some more. And then we found Toys R’ Us. This place utterly shits all over the ones we have in this country. Why? Because it has giant LEGO statues, dinosaurs and a frickin’ ferris wheel. I also discovered that people love taking photos of themselves on iPads – top lads.
What else is in New York? Let me list them for ya:
- People filming next to subway steam outlets
- M&M teapots (duh)
- Tall buildings
- An underground Apple shop (double duh with a twist of hipster)
- Pigeons. Flapping. Fucking. Everywhere
- A willy shaped island
- Police can indeed be found in Dunkin’ Donuts
- Stupid sized portions of food
- People are not used to white hair – lady on the underground called me over to ask why I had done it as I had many, many years of it to come before continuing playing Candy Crush Sage at full blast
- White hair also causes things yelled at Craig such as: “Don’t let that one go! She has fabulous hair”
Then history stuff happened in the form of a gigantic Natural History Museum which you can get completely lost in no matter how many times you follow signs for the exits. We hung out with a security guard who loved us and continued to name all the Scottish actors he could and these guys:
Then stuff got serious. Honestly if you ever go to New York, go to the site of the World Trade Centre – it will seriously hurt your heart and put shit into perspective.
And just like that, it was time to leave this awesome city. Or so we thought… Remember Great Lord Snowington? Well that bastard was back for his sequel and boy did he mess shit up. We opened the curtain and snow was everywhere. We checked the flight boards to make sure everything was ok. We hopped in a taxi to the airport at 9am. We then discovered everything was not ok.
The lady with a daft hat from Delta informed us that there wasn’t another one until 7am the next day, there’s hee-haw she can do to help and to go away. There was no hotels in the area, we’d already spent $90 getting to the damn airport and we were in mega grouchy mode. In a moment of genius/insanity, Craig booked us on another flight. A flight which cost more than the round trip itself, but we needed to get to Boston. Feeling rather chuffed with ourselves for sticking it up to the man whilst glaring at the unhelpful Delta lady, we skipped through security, made friends with a nice lady in a queue, found some food and waited for the 2pm flight. Except Great Lord Snowington (fuckchops) decided he had other ideas.
16 God forsaken hours we were stuck in JFK with nothing to do and forking out mega bucks for Starbucks to keep awake.
It was 1am by the time we left New York and in that time we made a few mates who we actively shared whinges with whilst staring at the flight board with desperation. We bonded during that time – I’ll never forget you nameless people.
PAX East time! I’d heard rumours about the size of this place, but holy guacamole that place is ridiculous. Eurogamer has absolutely nothing on it (soz guys) and I felt the urge to hide from all the people almost instantly. Cosplayers EVERYWHERE. People EVERYWHERE. Stuff EVERYWHERE. Except the people were awesome. It’s going to sound like a mega cheeseball, but considering these people had no idea who I was, they were stupidly nice to me even though most of the time they couldn’t understand what the hell I was saying.
“Uhhh so you bought stuff, right?”
Damn right I did. You think I’m a dafty?
Would I go back to PAX East? Even with all the rogue farters and the hellish smell of armpits, hell yes. I met some seriously awesome people there and maybe, just maybe I’ll fill out a Twitch name badge next time.
— Paul Lorthon King (@Lorthon) March 12, 2015
— Bexy (@bexyish) March 12, 2015
Lunch was good pic.twitter.com/bi319cEgsg
— Branden (@Cali_Swimmer) March 9, 2015
— Eebs ♡ (@WildEebs) March 9, 2015
— ʳᵏᵗ (@rkt227) March 7, 2015
WAITING FOR PIERE DAGNABIT http://t.co/P9IELYTMuc
— Bexy (@bexyish) March 13, 2015
Oh and the snow in Boston? Completely crazy. Tunnels everywhere and snow piled up 5ft tall. Hours of fun really.
Next adventure: Japan.